An Attempt.

I really don’t know how to express what I feel right now.

But I should try. 

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Have you been on a two-wheeler when it begins to rain all of a sudden?

The way the rain drops hit you is something way beyond words to be expressed.

It hurts. But it’s beautiful.

It’s unexpected. You would want to curse. 

Your face would burn from rain drops hitting you at that speed, but you can’t stop the vehicle or else you would be drenched. 

It's a very strange feeling altogether.

But even years later, like I do now, you would still get goosebumps at the memory of it.

I don’t know if such days like this are meant for healing or for deepening the scar. 

Either way, it’s one hell of an experience.

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Som asks me if everything is fine.

Asks me if I am alright.

But I can’t even breathe properly. My chest feels like it’s going to burst. My mind feels like I am stuck in a world without words. And there is this lump in my throat.

Right now, I can remember everything.

And forget nothing.

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My eyes are dead. The glands are insensitive right now. I can't even cry.

There is this stream of memories.

There is a stream of future I would miss if I choose something.

There is a stream of future that is to come.

There is a stream of future I would dread.

There is also a stream of future where I will be happy.

A place with sunshine.

And Chumpak flowers.

And mountains marking the boundary.

.

But where are you now?

Why did you leave just like that?

Did you know you would?

Were you ready?

Did you think of me?

Do you, now?

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What happens to love?

What happened to all the love?

What will happen to the love we are?

Will you look at the stars and think of me someday?

Or will you know that I can no longer hear you, like those good old days.

You used to surprise me.

Telepathy was strong.

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I remember someone from the forest.

Someone random.

Someone who blessed me.

Someone who looked at me with love.

I don’t know why I remember him.

I think I should pray for him.

Or maybe he is beyond prayer.

I wish he prays for me.

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Juna take pictures of me.

Of Mom and me.

Of me and Nebu.

Of me and Som.

Lets preserve some days.

You do have a picture of me and Achu right?

What about a picture of us?

Lets keep pictures so that we freeze time, in ways we can.

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I am pretty disturbed today.

But I am happy for life.

I don't really understand what's going on.

There is a lump in my throat

And I can’t explain what it is for.

Maybe Somu understands.

Maybe Amar would too.

And Zarika might be feeling the same.

I dono.

But it doesn’t matter.

Nothing really matters after all.

And that’s fine.

.

But I wish I had hugged you.

And I wish we had taken a picture together.

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05.02.2019

Dedicated to Appuslal :)