What Ardra wrote made me write this.
There is something called the feeling of not being home anywhere. I don't know how many people can relate to this, but it's perhaps the worst thing a person can feel. It's as good as not feeling the earth beneath your feet when your whole being searches for roots. There is nothing to hold on to. Not even a shadow. The darkness is that thick. And it scares you. You breathe just enough to exist, because you can't really understand if it's killing you or giving you life.
It is true that life situations trigger all this, but I think depression has more to do with sensitivity.
I sometimes wish I wouldn't feel what I feel, but then if I didnt, I would have been a spoilt single girl child with world's biggest ego. I would have never appreciated life nor love. I wouldn't have felt ecstatic at the sight of mountains or the smell of earth as it rains for the first time.
What made me distant from myself is what brought me close to reality. It brought me home to myself. But as I build strength, I am still short of all the courage that is needed to bring light inside. Sometimes I wish someone told me we would all be fine. Sometimes I wish someone would just hug and play my favorite songs. And sometimes I wish for impossible levels of attention.
There wouldn't be any struggle if I could make myself insensitive, but I want to retain the humanness with which I was born. I want to feel. I want to be as tender and as kind as possible.
And that alone gives strength when things are hard and no one comes with pastries to make you smile.
There is something called the feeling of not being home anywhere. I don't know how many people can relate to this, but it's perhaps the worst thing a person can feel. It's as good as not feeling the earth beneath your feet when your whole being searches for roots. There is nothing to hold on to. Not even a shadow. The darkness is that thick. And it scares you. You breathe just enough to exist, because you can't really understand if it's killing you or giving you life.
It is true that life situations trigger all this, but I think depression has more to do with sensitivity.
I sometimes wish I wouldn't feel what I feel, but then if I didnt, I would have been a spoilt single girl child with world's biggest ego. I would have never appreciated life nor love. I wouldn't have felt ecstatic at the sight of mountains or the smell of earth as it rains for the first time.
What made me distant from myself is what brought me close to reality. It brought me home to myself. But as I build strength, I am still short of all the courage that is needed to bring light inside. Sometimes I wish someone told me we would all be fine. Sometimes I wish someone would just hug and play my favorite songs. And sometimes I wish for impossible levels of attention.
There wouldn't be any struggle if I could make myself insensitive, but I want to retain the humanness with which I was born. I want to feel. I want to be as tender and as kind as possible.
And that alone gives strength when things are hard and no one comes with pastries to make you smile.
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